It was a dark and stormy
night.
(Well actually since space
is dark anyway , being a vast void with only a relatively
small amount of its volume being allotted to those light producing
bodies known as stars, and
the term night (as well as day) really depends on being planet-bound,
as does weather of any
kind; the phrase ³dark and stormy night² isn¹t really
accurate.)
(It does help to set the
mood, however.)
In any case a flock of telepathic
space turtles were on their millennial trek across
the Sol system when one of them sensed something Evil. He (if
telepathic space turtles have
gender as we know it) turned to his mother (or equivalent ancestral
unit) and told her (it?) as
much. He (?) was promptly reprimanded and told not to dawdle
about and mess in the affairs of
insignificant beings. They continued on their way. This
was unfortunate in one aspect, as a
lot of suffering and much silliness could have been avoided had they
done something. But if
you think about it, what could a bunch of telepathic space turtles
have done anyway?
* * *
by Erinn Lineback <adric@rhf.bradley.edu>
The particular Evil which
the space turtle sensed came from one Dr. Quincey P. Mandra,
who after a long life of being victimized (at least as he saw it) through
one means or another,
decided that the time had arrived for him to become a Mad Scientist
and wreak his revenge on
humanity and creation in general by taking over the world and making
it his plaything. (As can
be seen, Dr. Mandra was rather narrow of vision, as any self-respecting
Mad Scientist these
days would have planned to take over the universe, or at least our
particular galaxy. Perhaps
this was why the elder space turtle seemed unconcerned.)
He had already constructed
his Evil Headquarters, which he had named The Citadel of
Doom (Insert lightning and thunder here). He thought that it
was a name that rolled rather
nicely off the tongue. It had all that an Evil Mad Scientist
could need: attractive art deco
living quarters for himself, barracks for his troops, dank dungeons,
torture chambers, mutated
guard-beasts, booby traps, and lots and lots of insidious machinery
that bleeped and buzzed and
crackled and made other science fictiony noises.
He still needed one thing
however...Hordes.
Every Evil Mad Scientist
needs hordes of mindless drones to do his Evil Bidding.
³Where will I find
Hordes?² he mused. ³Where can I find great masses of mindless
individuals ready to be indoctrinated and follow a charismatic leader
with little or no regard
for consequences or even common sense?²
He rejected Congress immediately.
³I do need some degree of intelligence in my hordes.
Overly stupid hordes have been the downfall of many a Mad Scientist.
Besides I do want some
combat ability. Some, hell! I want soulless killing machines!²
This naturally brought the
armed forces to mind, but he rejected them as too fanatical
even for him.
³Frat boys! Hmm...maybe
frat pledges. By the time they reach full frat boy status
they¹ve consumed way too much alcohol to be worth anything.
Yes, frat pledges. Special shock
troops. Possessed of the necessary will to get through high school,
but still dumb and
sheep-like enough to do anything to get into a frat. Hell, they¹ll
probably think it¹s just
another hazing ritual. But who can I get for the grunts?²
Suddenly it hit him like bolt from
the blue. High Schoolers. More specifically high school
freshmen. Clueless, brainless, and
insecure enough to cling to any leader, especially a ³popular²
one.
³But how do I get them?²
* * *
Eventually he decided that
the best thing was to snatch them while they wandered the
halls of their respective high schools, lost and bewildered.
He constructed a new hyperdimensional,
extra-spatial device, the Cosmic Hallway
Apparatus and Loser Leader or C.H.A.L.L for short. This was connected
to every high school in
the world through a process that is scientifically unexplainable (and
rather ridiculous as
well). Included in this device was a transmitter that subetherically
beamed instructions
directly into the brains of upperclassmen of a certain temperament.
These instructions were
simple, direct any lost freshman to C Hall, don¹t show them there,
just tell them that the
place they want is in C Hall. (Intelligent readers will no doubt
point out the fact that many
high schools do not have a C Hall. But that was just part of
Dr. Mandra¹s insidious plan. If
any particular freshman was on the ball enough to realize that they
were being misdirected,
that freshman was not the type of individual Dr. Mandra was interested
in.)
* * *
After Dr. Mandra set up
his fiendish device, a rash of disappearances spread throughout
the world. Many people blamed aliens or government conspiracies.
Others blamed Satanists or
other cults. One magazine, with the auspicious title of THINGS
UNEXPLAINED, actually did make
a connection to a certain physicist who vanished under mysterious circumstances,
but only at
the cost of their best investigative reporter¹s sanity and the
scorn of other publications,
even those generally less respected.
* * *
One day in suburban Indianapolis...
³Sure kid, it¹s
in C Hall.² The burly jock frowned for a moment; he hadn¹t
planned on
even acknowledging the twerp¹s presence, and here he was taking
the effort to misdirect him.
³I¹d show you the way, but I have a life.² Hell,
might as well go for it. ³Has anyone sold
you an elevator pass yet?² This was one of his favorite
gags. There was, in fact, an
elevator, but it was only for faculty and A/V use. ³Only
five bucks, a real steal.²
³Um...thank you sir,
maybe later.² quavered the small nervous freshman as the huge guy
in the letter jacket sauntered off with a rather nasty grin on his
face.
Gilbert N. Sullivan was
an unfortunate kid with an unfortunate name. The causes of his
misfortune were as follows:
1)The aforementioned name
2)His lowly freshman status
3)Being rather small, shortsighted (physically, not mentally), and
possessed of a high IQ
4)Being completely and utterly turned around within the confines of
his new high school
In other words, a high powered
electromagnet for cruel upperclassmen jocks like the one
who just doomed him to a life of zombiehood.
*I could have sworn that
the map didn¹t show a C Hall. Hmm...*
DING!!!
³Damn! I¹m late!²
He began to run. *Well, if I assume that the first hall that
branches off this one is A Hall, and that the next one is B Hall, then
around this corner must
be...*
ZAP!!!
* * *
Later that day...
DING!!!
Several hundred students
milled through the halls. We shall focus on two, a boy and a
girl, both juniors. The boy, Ryan, was interestingly enough the
younger brother of El Jocko
the elevator pass salesman. The girl, Kate, was his good friend
and a fellow member of the
marching band. She was also rather into weird happenings and
THINGS UNEXPLAINED.
(We might also note at this
moment another girl, also a junior, just off to one side,
leaning up against a set of lockers reading a comic book.)
³...swear, Ryan.
There have been disappearances for months now! All freshmen, mostly
high school, some college, snatched from the very halls of their schools.
The people at THINGS
UNEXPLAINED think that it¹s secret government testing gone rogue!
There was this physicist who
disappeared and everything! Look!² She shoved the
magazine she was clutching into his face.
He flinched back.
³KATE! Chill out. Does the phrase ³Urban Legend²
mean anything to
you? It¹s just like that guy with the hook hand or the people
who kidnap you, rip off your
kidneys and sell them to unscrupulous doctors for transplants!²
³Exactly! Page
25, latest case.² He rolled his eyes. ³Ryan! This
is serious!²
³Oh certainly it is.²
piped up the comic book reader, who went by the unlikely name of
Charlemagne. ³There¹s this guy who¹s built some
hyperdimensional device that disguises itself
as just another hall and has a thought transference beam thingee to
brainwash upperclassman
into inadvertently directing lost freshmen there. It¹s part
of an insidious plot to take over
the world.²
Ryan grinned at this just
as Kate said ³You¹ve read the article!²
Ryan stopped grinning.
Charlemagne rolled her eyes.
³Look,² she said, ³here¹s what we¹ll do.
They¹re fixing
up the gym Friday night after the game for some dance on Saturday.
We¹ll come in to ³help²
with the decorations, pose as freshmen who have no clue where supplies
are kept, or something
like that, and wait for some jerk to give us the wrong directions.²
Ryan sputtered. ³What
will that prove?! WE know our way around. There is no mystery
hall of doom!²
Charlemagne was unperturbed.
³So, we just think there is real hard. ŚThere¹s no place
like home. There¹s no place like home.¹²
³God, this is stupid.²
³Well, duh.²
Kate seemed to be oblivious
to their sarcasm. ³This is wonderful! We can get
pictures! Photographic proof! I¹ll bring my camera!²
She scampered off.
Ryan and Charlemagne just
stared after her. She was the first to speak. ³You do
realize the fallacy in her logic, don¹t you?²
³You mean that if by
some infinitesimal chance this is true, the chances of our getting
out with photographic proof are slim to none?²
³Yep.²
* * *
That night Ryan and Kate
slipped into the main part of the building after changing out
of their marching band uniforms. Their friend Rhonda, who was
working on the decorations
anyway, walked over to meet them.
³So what¹s all
this about?² Rhonda was rather impatient, as she felt that this
was
likely just another of Kate¹s harebrained schemes (and she was
probably right).
³We¹re going to
go down in history as exposing the greatest conspiracy of all time!²
As can be seen, Kate was not above hyperbole.
³Uh-huh.²
Ryan walked over and placed
his hand on Rhonda¹s shoulder. ³Humor her,² he muttered
through clenched teeth.
³So are we ready?²
They turned to see Charlemagne
walking towards them. Rhonda was obviously a little
taken aback. ³What the hell is she doing here?²
Ryan shushed her quickly.
³Charlemagne. Good to see you. What¹s in the backpack?²
³Well,² mused
Charlemagne thoughtfully, ³I thought it might be a good idea to have
some
³firepower² along in case we ran into trouble.²
³So you¹re packing?²
coughed Ryan.
Charlemagne just smiled.
* * *
At that moment, across the
gym, El Jocko (whose real name was Brad, but El Jocko sounds
better) was attempting to placate Stacey, his latest conquest.
³Aw c¹mon baby,
you¹re my darling, my angel, my sweetheart. None of the other
girls
meant anything to me. You know you don¹t wanna break it
off.²
³But Braaad.²
Stacey possessed a whine that could strip the paint off a diesel truck.
³How can I go to the dance with you?! You hu-hum-humiliated
me in front of everyone!²
³Aw baby, it was only
those geeks at Schafer¹s. Besides I only went out with her
because she wrote that paper for me. It¹s not like I really
like her.²
³Oh Brad.²
They went for the clench.
³Excuse me.²
They turned to find Charlemagne standing there. (It had been decided that
Brad might just recognize his own brother, even if he was incredibly
low on the social ladder,
so Ryan was waiting on the other side of the room. Kate was just
too excited to pull anything
off, and Rhonda, well, Rhonda just thought the whole thing was stupid).
³I hate to break up
this touching moment of redemption and forgiveness, but I was just
told to go to the art supply
room, and frankly I don¹t know where it is.²
³Freshman,² snorted
the Jock-man. He was just about to tell her to blow off, when the
he was whammied by the Mandra beam. You could almost see his
synapses reversing positronic
flow or something. ³Um...sure kid. It¹s in C
Hall, yeah. I¹d show you, but I have a life.
But to make up for it,² he rummaged in his pocket.
³How about an elevator pass. For you,
only five bucks.²
Charlemagne winced. *How
dumb does this guy think I am? Oh well, we strive for
realism.* ³Sure. But I¹m a little strapped for
cash right now. Would you take these
instead?² She pulled an unused pad of hall passes out of
her backpack.
³Deal!²
He laughed. ³What¹s your name kid?²
³P. Amoury. First
name: Polly²
³Well, here you go.²
He scribbled the name down and gave her the pass.
³And here you go.²
She smiled and gave him the pad.
After the exchange he sauntered
off with the newly complacent Stacey.
³Brad?²
Stacey sounded slightly perturbed.
³Yep.²
³I didn¹t think
that there was a C Hall here, or even any lettered halls at all.²
³There aren¹t.²
³Oh. Okay then.²
They continued walking.
* * *
³Okay, now that we¹ve
been directed wrongly, we can try to find this place.²
Charlemagne had decided that by taking charge, she could probably keep
this from being a
complete fiasco. ³We just need to convince ourselves that
we don¹t know that there isn¹t a C
Hall, and that we think that there is one and that we really need to
get there.²
Rhonda snorted ·(which
she tended to do when handing around this particular group of
people), ³And how the hell do we do that?²
Charlemagne smiled evilly,
³Just follow along.² She began to skip down the hall
singing at the top of her lungs.
³Follow the green tile floor
Follow the green tile floor
Follow, follow, follow, follow...²
She disappeared around a
corner. Ryan and Kate shrugged, linked arms and joined in.
³Follow the green tile floor.²
As they turned the corner, Rhonda decided that since her Friday evening
was shot anyway, she
might as well have fun, and skipped after them.
³...the wonderful place called C Hall.²
* * *
After a few moments of vertigo,
our intrepid juniors found themselves in a stretch of
hallway that looked familiar, but wasn¹t any hall that they could
remember being in before.
Considering that they had been in the same high school for over two
years, and by this point
had at least passed through every single hall in the school, this was
a little disconcerting.
Charlemagne was the first
to speak. ³Well, Kate, I¹d go ahead and whip out your
camera, cause I don¹t think we¹re in Kansas anymore.²
³What?²
³Figure of speech,
Ryan. We¹re not in Indianapolis anymore. We could very
well be in
Kansas, though.²
³I¹m not a complete
idiot.²
³Shut up! Shut up,
shut up shut up!² Rhonda was more than a little freaked.
³I don¹t
know what kind of sick joke this is but I want to go home now!²
³Rhonda. Chill.²
³You shut up, Ryan!²
Kate had been running around
snapping pictures. She was at the end of the hall when
she called back. ³Um...I think you should see this.²
Just then an alarm sounded.
* * *
At this time, Dr. Mandra
was in the midst of attempting to bend poor Gilbert to his
will. In a scene right out of a second rate science fiction horror
movie, Gilbert had been
strapped to a table and was currently staring into the barrel of the
mind scrambler ray that
was about to be put to its intended use, on him.
But before Gilbert could
be zombified, a loud klaxon sounded, and a voice out of
nowhere began to proclaim an alert.
³Attention! Attention!
Non-freshmen have been detected. I repeat , non-freshmen have
been detected. All Freshman Hordes to their posts. Prepare
for emergency plan zeta theta
alpha two niner.²
*My God, have I been discovered
again? I knew I should have had that reporter from
THINGS UNEXPLAINED killed instead of just brainwashed!* ³Pledge
Kevin!² This last remark was
directed to a young man wearing a Sigma Epsilon Chi sweatshirt and
ball cap.
³A Sigma Epsilon Chi
pledge is...²
³Not now Pledge
Kevin. I want you to do something for me. Keep an eye on this
new...pledge...for me. Something¹s come up that I need to
take care of immediately.²
³Yes, noble one!²
*Hmm...Maybe these frat
pledges are a little too compliant.*
He left the room.
Scarcely a minute later a voice piped up from the table.
³Hey, Pledge Kevin.
C¹mere a second...²
* * *
Charlemagne decided that,
as alarms and sirens are generally a Bad Thing (especially
right after you break into some strange alternate dimension),
it was time to beat a quick
retreat.
³I believe the time
has come to get some cardiovascularly correct exercise.²
Ryan, as usual, was the
only one to even slightly pick up on what Charlemagne meant.
³I take it you mean we should run.²
³Yep.²
At that moment the first
of the screaming Freshman Hordes rounded the corner where Kate
was standing. Her first reaction was to scream. Her second
reaction was to take a picture.
This turned out to be the best thing she could have done, as the flashbulb
on her camera was
particularly blinding. It stunned the Hordes for a moment and
gave her time to dash the
opposite way. It was only seconds before the Hordes were in hot
pursuit.
They ran down several twisting
and turning hallways with no real concept of where they
were or where they were going.
³Quick! This
way!² The speaker was the small bespectacled boy who we have
come to
know as Gilbert.
Charlemagne generally trusted
her instincts. After all, if nothing else, she was the
one who had succeeded in getting them here, and at this moment her
instincts were telling her
to trust this guy.
³Hurry!²
They plunged down the hall
after him.
* * *
Dr. Mandra sat in the control
room reviewing the security tapes with a grim expression.
More intruders, with cameras no less. He groaned as he saw them
escape from his precious
Hordes. *Maybe the whole Hordes concept is a bad idea.
Too easy to get a bunch of complete
idiots, especially when the pledges find the liquor cabinet.
Maybe I should set up some sort
of recruitment center on a voluntary basis, but that¹d just get
me more macho types. Maybe
doing the manly macho thing is doomed to failure. Maybe I need
to get in touch with my
feminine side. Maybe I should open a boutique. Yes!
I can use the hair dryers as
brainwashing devices. They do say that the female of the species
is more deadly than the male.
Hmm...*
Suddenly he realized who
had helped them escape. He sprinted back to the Minderbender
Chamber, where he found Pledge Kevin trying (and failing miserably)
to stand on his head and
down a shot of Yukon Jack while singing ³Wild Thing.²
As soon as he saw Dr. Mandra
he shot, unsteadily, to his feet.
³Noble sir...²
³What the hell happened!²
³Pledge Gilbert impressed
upon me the importance of getting ready for tomorrow¹s hazing
ritual. I thought I¹d practice.²
If steam could literally
shoot from someone¹s ears...
³And, where is...Pledge
Gilbert...now?²
³He went to get another
shot glass.²
The events that followed
in this room are completely gratuitous and without redeeming
value and probably violate decency laws (as well as physics).
So we shall leave them for now.
* * *
³That is one amazing
story.²
³I know.²
Gilbert sighed. ³I just want to get out of here. Luckily
he only set an
overly eager frat pledge as my guard or I¹d be one of those drooling
wackos right now.²
³Yeah, but HOW do we
get out of here?² Rhonda was obviously not having the best time.
³I do have better ways to spend a Friday night; much better than
being chased by demonic
freshmen.²
³We can¹t leave
yet!² As Kate had been rather silent since their mad dash, piping
up
like this came as quite a shock to the others. ³I need a
picture of this head guy, Dr. Mooka
or whatever!²
³Mandra. And
if you think we are staying here one moment longer than we have to...²
³Rhonda, chill out.²
³Ryan, is Śchill out¹
the only phrase you know?²
³Guys, guys.²
Charlemagne had decided that once again she had to take charge before
this situation completely degenerated. ³Look, in the literary
scheme of things...²
Rhonda snorted, ³Comic
book woman speaks! Listen all ye lands!²
Charlemagne waited.
³Are you done? Good. Like I started to say. Generally
the best
way to escape the Evil Mad Scientist¹s lair is to defeat him,
free his slaves, and utilize his
technology.²
³My God! It¹s
so crazy it just might work!²
³Ryan! Don¹t you
start too!² Rhonda bopped him in the head with Charlemagne¹s
backpack. He grunted and fell bonelessly to the floor.
Gilbert tried to ignore
the chaos around him. *Damn. I hope I¹m not this weird when I
get to be a junior.*
* * *
When Dr. Mandra went to
bed that night, it was with a sense of deep regret. *I thought
it would be fun to be an evil, power-hungry, Mad Scientist. I
thought it would be fun to have
Hordes of mindless drones doing my bidding. But it¹s just
a big pain in this ass. At least
when I worked for the government I could blame everything that went
wrong on lack of funding or
support or the current administration, but here I¹m the current
administration. And it sucks.
Hell, teaching high school physics to a bunch of drooling morons would
be more fun.*
It was at this point that
Charlemagne and the rest of our intrepid band dropped from a
ceiling vent.
³Alright, Mandra you
fiend! Freeze! Your insane despotic rule, and plans of world
domination are finished!² Charlemagne had waited years to
be able to say something like this.
³We¹re gonna bring you to justice!²
³Really?²
Charlemagne was a little
confused at this point. Generally when one confronts the Evil
Mad Scientist he at least sneers a little bit and calls the heroes
meddling fools. Mandra
seemed more relieved than anything.
³Don¹t try any
tricks, Mandra.² Gilbert seemed rather indignant. ³We
know what a
tricky bastard you are.²
Of all the strange things
that Charlemagne had seen that day, Gilbert using the phrase
³tricky bastard² had to be the strangest.
³Look, kids, the Mad
Scientist thing was probably my version of a midlife crisis. I
didn¹t realize how out of hand it was getting until I was reprimanding
Pledge Kevin. I¹m sick
of dealing with pimply faced twerps and frat boy wanna-bees.
I just want to go sell used cars
or something. Stick a fork in me, I¹m done.²
This was completely beyond
Charlemagne¹s experience, but again her instincts were
telling her to trust him. ³Fine. Let¹s go.²
She led Dr. Mandra out past her shocked
colleagues.
* * *
Meanwhile, Pledge Kevin
was just waking up. He had decided that he wasn¹t going to
stand for any more abuse. He was going to get the others to blackball
Brother Mandra for
excesses above and beyond those generally seen (and applauded in) a
Brother.
* * *
So it was that when Charlemagne,
Mandra and the others emerged from his bedroom, they
met with the entire population of Dr. Mandra¹s vast complex, ready
and waiting to rip them all
to shreds.
Pledge Kevin led the pack.
³Just where do you think you¹re going, Brother Mandra?²
³Kevin, I¹m ending
this foolishness now. I am returning to the surface world through
my escape elevator. You are all welcome to follow.²
³Not so fast, Brother
Mandra. Only those with permission are allowed to access the
elevator. And we have recently decided that you do not deserve
permission.² He turned to the
arrayed multitudes. ³Isn¹t that right, brothers?²
³YES!!²
Screamed a thousand and more throats, hereby pointing out the biggest problem
with Dr. Mandra¹s plan. Conforming sheep may stupidly, blindly
follow charismatic leaders, but
are not likely to be all that discriminating about any particular charismatic
leader.
³Hold on!²
Charlemagne cried out. ³We have permission to use the elevator!
We have
this!² She held aloft the elevator pass so recently purchased
from El Jocko.
³Give me that!²
Pledge Kevin ripped it from her hand. Sure enough, it was a signed
and dated elevator pass, good through January. The Hordes parted
like the Red Sea, a winding
pathway to the elevator of freedom.
³What do we care about
elevator passes? Let¹s get them!² The frat pledges
came
forward as one.
³I think you¹ll
care for this.² said Charlemagne, pulling several bottles of
Yukon
Jack out of her backpack. ³And this.² She tossed
the key to the liquor cabinet at Pledge
Kevin¹s feet.
Ryan leaned over and whispered
in her ear. ³How the hell did you get those? You won¹t
even turn seventeen till next summer!²
Charlemagne smiled, ³I
got connections.²
While the frat boys fell
to it and the Hordes stood deathly still, they walked over to
the elevator and took it to the surface. Most of the Hordes would
soon follow.
* * *
Since Dr. Mandra¹s
headquarters were, quite literally, in Kansas (at least that¹s where
they surfaced) there was some worry about getting back to Indianapolis.
But Dr. Mandra had
after all invented a hyperdimensional transport thingee, so it just
took a quick stop at a
local junkyard to get a working device up and running. They didn¹t
see each other again until
Monday morning where they were surprised to find that Dr. Mandra had
been hired as the new
physics teacher. Everything, Ryan commented, seemed to have worked
out for the best. The
adventure was over and justice had prevailed.
³Not quite yet.²
Charlemagne said, pointing down the hall.
El Jocko Brad was being
accosted by the Vice Principal. ³What do you mean,
suspension?! I have a pass right here!²
³Indeed you do,²
the vice principal replied. ³Unfortunately it just so happens
that we
switched to a different style of hall pass. All the old ones
were destroyed last week except
for one box that mysteriously disappeared. I think you have a
lot of explaining to do.²
³It was Polly Amoury!
I swear!² El Jocko continued to proclaim his innocence for all
the world to hear.
Charlemagne smiled knowingly
at Ryan. ³I think now it can be said that cosmic justice
has been served.²
* * *
Recent headlines from THINGS
UNEXPLAINED:
Telepathic space turtles. Fact or fiction?
Missing freshmen return! Government conspiracy revealed!
Are drunk frat boys trying to take over the world?